REQUEST NO #4

”Talk together as adults. But talk! Do not use me as a messenger between you two – and not evenwith messages that make the second parent sad or angry.”

Adults in conflict often proceeds to heavy battle (the best with assistance of their attorneys) or tostark silence. They focus on themselves, on their injustices, on their pain, on their revenge. Theyforget that they are not the main characters in that play. The children are the most importantpersons. How the children deal with the parental breakdown and separation, it depends on theparents themselves primarily.

It is natural that people in conflict does not want to talk to each other. They have to with no doubtsgive their children message, that they are here for them, and therefore that they are going to talkabout things that are important for the children and that are connected to them. Even if this is anideal situation they want to reach.

Many parents are careful to what they say to the second parent. From my mediation practice I cansay that the parents need to wash their dirty clothes, so they need to talk emotionally about whathappened thirty years ago and what problems are here until now. This is important for the parentsand after that they are able to calm down and start thinking about what to do next and how toproceed in respect of the children.

Practice, that is an absolute nonsense of some of our colleagues who are attorneys is that they banthe parents to talk directly to each other and they want them to talk through the attorney. Thereasoning is that the attorney is a bumper and a mediator, actually. The most often this is becausethey are afraid that they will lose their job.

Dear parents, please talk to each other, if not at your table, then through your shared calendars,parental applications, planning notes, shopping lists. The technology is yours, so use it. Your childrenwill appreciate that.